U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
