make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
