Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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