threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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