I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
