Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize