Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize