I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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