I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize