is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just blew my weed a kiss
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
