I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
