The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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