yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize