hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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