The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
