Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
there was a trapeze. enough said
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
