shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
