just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
