don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize