Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
