dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
