That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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