On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
zippers are such a cool invention
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
So squirting runs in the family.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
