you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
