i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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