This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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