Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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