my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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