He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize