so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
