My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize