My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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