Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
