I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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