Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
