I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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