remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
