i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
