Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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