I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
