I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize