I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
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