Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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