Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
