If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
