I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize