He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
