You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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