If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
