are you still at the devil's house?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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