i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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