Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
