I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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