Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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