True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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